BEAUTY PAEGENT FOR A WALLET


Applause for random business people with silly job titles that are too long to fit on a business card or tattoo on a brain


“This is Chuck. He heads up our Retail Finance Division.”


BOTHERED


Applause for a showreel of international commercials for the bank. Yes, people applauding a projection of adverts.


*Applause*


Laughter at weak gags.


A high powered American woman with big hair telling everyone how much she appreciates their efforts. Like she knows or cares!


My lolling head and heavy eyelids.


T-BONE has a big grin on his face, like the time he smuggled a whole trolleyful of pastries into his office without his secretary noticing. Guilty pleasures. No disguising the irony that he is a big player in the CONSUMER market. Look at that gut! He is Mr Creosote. Don’t stand too close Von Small, you are an appetiser!


Exciting numbers, exciting opportunities, colourful pie charts.


Made-up words. In the vein of Iain Dowie’s bouncebackability but sillier, with more superfluous flourish.


A motown-flavoured soundtrack drowned by a buzz around the room. The buzz is distinctly similar to that experienced on a school trip. We are even transported by school buses, though no-one wets themselves from having too much Coke.


Fawning questions from the audience. This is by far the worst section. People spreading corporate horse manure with their naked hands while maniacally smiling and batting eyelids at their overlords.

***


No-one seems embarrassed or perturbed by this flagrant whoredom. By the open demonstration of power and cock wavery. It is simply pathetic and the whole charade makes me shift uncomfortably in my seat. The taste it leaves in everyone’s mouth is metallic and empty. Lick lips. Ignore. Drive car. Tea on table.


This cancerous spread of company ethos breeds drones and droids, happy in their sanitised hives lives.


“The toner is low on the printer”


“We are making big inroads in Poland.”


“I have hair nits and rabies”


“Our brand is strong”


“People don’t just shit in the toilets. They masturbate in there”


“We are expanding. These are exciting times.”


“The only way a business can survive is if it grows. We can get bigger. Sell more. Make more. And eventually we will rule the planet. MWUHAHAHA!!!”


Hmph